I wrote down what my inner voice has to say.
The things it says mean that I accept poor treatment, rudeness, contempt, abuse. I let myself be exploited, belittled, gagged, abused. And I feel frustration and contempt and dislike for myself for it. I punish myself for it.
I know that none of what it says is true. That hasn't silenced it.
I've fought against it every second of every day for a very long time. That hasn't silenced it.
I've watched out for it and worked hard to do the opposite. That hasn't silenced it.
It is relentless. It wants to be heard. Fighting against it makes it louder. Fighting against it just makes me exhausted.
It needs to be accepted. Not as truth - it is not true - but as one way in which that little girl made sense of what other people chose to do to her. It helped her to survive. She survived. She has so much courage and so much resilience and so much strength. She survived. She kept me alive. She is amazing. She deserves my compassion. She deserves my time. She deserves my thanks. She deserves a rest. She doesn't have to do this any more. She is me.
you’re not like them you can’t have what they can have you can’t say the things that they can say you were dirtied it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your fault it’s done you were dirtied you are dirty you don’t get to do the things they do you don’t get to be like them clean and safe and respected and not dirty dirtied shamed used broken it doesn’t matter that you’re not broken be broken they broke you be broken be humble be dirty you’re dirty not like them not clean not clean feel shame feel shame feel shame feel shame feel shame shame shame you should you’re dirty dirtied used and they can do what they want to you because it’s already done you’ve already been dirtied used so it doesn’t matter you can take it anyway you’ve had worse you’re used to it it’s how it is for you you are dirty dirtied shamed you can take this other people can’t they shouldn’t have to it’s your lot they’re clean it’s not their lot they can say things you can’t they can feel things you can’t feel they can be respected for it you can’t you’re dirty dirtied sullied already broken you shouldn’t dare don’t get above yourself you don’t deserve the respect they do they’re not dirty dirtied they’re clean loved encouraged you must try harder harder harder to be half the clean whole person they get to be don’t question it you know it you know it you know it you’ve always known it don’t question it now if that truth is not true then where will you be what will be true where will you stand you can’t feel what they feel you can’t say what they say you can’t you can’t you can’t you’re not good enough it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your fault it’s done you’re not good enough you’re not as good as clean as clean as them even if they have compassion for you they judge you you fail you were dirtied you let it happen you should have known it doesn’t matter that you were a tiny child you should have known you should have stopped it you should have told it doesn’t matter your excuses you can’t do the things you let other people do you can’t do the things you forgive other people for you don’t come from the same place clean healthy safe you’re from a dirty place you have to be careful you have to be good you can’t be good enough you need to try harder harder more you need to be more careful you can’t ever ever ever relax you can’t be you you’re not good enough you’re dirty you’re bad it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t your fault you were never that clean healthy loved child maybe they saw that maybe they knew it didn’t matter you didn’t matter you don’t matter it doesn’t matter that they can do things you can’t it doesn’t matter you know you can’t you know that you’ve always known it you don’t envy them it’s just your lot not theirs they get better than you they get to have better than you that’s just how it is because they get to be nice clean have nice clean lives they get respect they get to be first they get to be not extra not spare it’s just how it is it’s just not for you it’s just not what you get to have it’s just how it is it’s your lot you were dirtied you are dirty not clean like them it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t you look at you now look at what you let people do look how dirty broken used you let yourself be you need to try harder you need to let them hurt you more you need to take more of it you’ll never be as good as them you’ll never be clean like them you need to let them hurt you more let them see you take it not react not show them it hurts you don’t get to show them it hurts you’re not good enough you’re dirty even though you know you’re not you’re dirt dirty worthless whore scum in their eyes they’re not you they must be right it’s fine it’s your lot you don’t even mind you can’t mind you’re not good enough to mind they don’t need to respect you acknowledge you as a person you’re already dirty you’re already dirty you already don’t matter it doesn’t matter what they do to you you’ve had worse they know it you know it you can let them it doesn’t matter how you feel about yourself it doesn’t matter that you know it wasn’t your fault it doesn’t matter that you know you’re as good as anyone as clean as healthy as strong as worthy as capable as deserving as whole as human it doesn’t matter it doesn’t mean anything you were dirtied you’re not like them you can’t have what they have you can’t do what they do you can’t say what they say you know that you know it you know it you’ve always known it it’s how it is it’s true it’s in your soul your bones your mind your head your body your truth
