So you want to know my dirty little secrets? Well I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours. But how well do you know me? Can you trust me not to lie? I could spin a false tale like a spider works its web. I could draw the flies in, ensnaring you, wrapping you in my silk threads. And if I speak the truth, are you prepared for what I might say? I could shock you, the truth might be more unbelievable then the false tales my tongue spits out.

 

What are my secrets? I’m not the person my friends and family think I am. I put on a brave face and a big bad attitude, but really I’m just a scared, shy little girl. I’m an insecure emotional wreck, and even though I’m surrounded by people who love me I feel no love for myself.  I hate my body and how I look, I base my worth on a number from a scale. I was suicidal growing up, and even though I have promised my mom to stop cutting, I haven’t. I hold my emotions in, bottling them untill they are ready to burst; and when that does happen, I take out my anger on my own flesh. Then I pick up my pieces, tape myself back together, and put on my brave face. I keep my problems to myself and try to solve them alone even though I know I can’t; I’m too stubborn to ask for help and too afraid I’ll seem weak.

 

My emotions and scars aren’t the only secrets I hide. I hide who I really am and try to be what others want me to be. For as long as I can remember I’ve been living in a shadow, trying to live up to something I can never become. I’m too afraid to step out of the shadow and too afraid to make my own expectations. I once told a boy I wasn’t a virgin because I wanted him to like me, but the truth is, I lied. I’m a smoker and have been since high school but my family doesn’t know. I’ve been arrested once… or twice… and you would never believe why. Even though I’m attracted to boys I have wondered what it would be like to kiss a girl ever since my friend tried to kiss me. My boyfriend gives me butterflies but he’s not the only boy who does. He tells me he loves me every day but somewhere in the back of my mind I still wonder if it’s true. I wonder if he’s only with me because I’m so messed up he’s scared to leave; and if I were in his shoes I would be too.

 

I’m afraid to talk on the phone. I still sleep with stuffed animals. Some nights I even sleep with a nightlight, and I still get scared in the dark. I like pain, I love the feeling, and it makes me feel alive. I’m afraid of what people think of me and I am paranoid that they are talking about me. I’m afraid to graduate, afraid of the real world. I’m afraid of failing or disappointing. I’m afraid of people finding out my secrets and realizing I have no worth anymore. I’m afraid of people defining me by my secrets even though I do it to myself. I bury these secrets way down deep inside me, away from prying eyes but there is one secret I hide in plain sight. One secret I share with everybody but nobody. My deepest, most guarded, yet simplest and smallest secret. I am Human, stumbling through life like anybody else.

 

So now you’ve heard my words, my dirty little secrets, the things I keep tucked deep inside me, things I can’t share or let go. The things I’ve done and things I thought, my little slips in judgment, my little regrets, the secrets that define me, but have you heard the truth?

© Ashley "Blue" Vanacore-Netz