Sometimes I feel like there’s an elephant sitting on my chest and I’m not strong enough to lift my sadness

 

Sometimes I feel like the only thing I can breathe is grief

 

I feel as if
As if I’m in a perpetual state of indigo

 

Lingering between blue and black

I don’t know how to get to the top of the rainbow

 

I have hated the color red
Because that was the color of my rapist’s underwear

 

That was the last thing I saw before my soul grew too heavy to let my eyes wander the playground

 

I was 5 years old

 

I am 19
My eyes wander now
But I need glasses to see

 

I hate wearing glasses
Because they’re just another burden I carry on my body
They remind me of other ways that i didn’t take care of myself
They remind me of my weight
They remind me of the white scars from the time the only sharp helper I could find to subdue the hurt was glass

 

Sometimes I think I’m glass
And the elephant will leave cracks

 

Sometimes I think I’ll shatter
The temperature is always wrong

 

It’s too hot when I want to be alone
And too cold when I am

 

It’s usually too cold

 

It’s only warm when I forget who I am.

 

When I forget that I have a pet elephant

 

But the trouble is

 

Elephants have good memory
Elephants don’t forget