In the 1970’s, because of the one-child policy in China, rural residents were only allowed to have a second child if their first one was a girl. My brother and sister were born under these circumstances.
In 1986, my 14 year old sister died of an undiagnosed illness.
Her passing changed everything for my family. Until For one year later, my mother could not escape from the endless sorrow and she made a great determination- to have another child.
The reason I call it a great determination is not only because of the strict policy not permitting her to have another child. The sadness in this story is that my mother had already been forced to have a tubal ligation, by law.
In 1989, my mother overcame many difficulties to make the “baby dream” come true; and that is how I came into the world.
My family burned all of my sister’s belongings and pictures after she left, in order to bury this painful memory.
I heard so many stories about my sister, but there was no way for me to trace her- nothing left.
That didn't drive her away from my life. Instead, I never stopped wondering:
Is she near?
Doppelganger
Fry-ing
隹
bird
雔
(together)
又
again
双
again and again, double
䨇
Pair, Doppelganger
Pencil Box
Two Figures
I was drawing
“Good work,” she said
I looked back—nobody here
Only two figures, on my paper
Now, Apple
I was jealous of you, truly.
Remember the pomegranate tree in our yard?
I bet you do.
There was an afternoon,
Mom picked me up from kindergarten,
she was sitting next to me
holding a pomegranate, carefully wrapped with her handkerchief.
October, it was a little chilly.
She put these red gems in my mouth,
we smiled and smiled.
When the other kids come out
one by one
like birds around
they laughed and laughed
Your mom is so old
Your mom is so old
Your mom is so old
Why is your mom so old
Mom is old, do you know that?
I was jealous of you
You had her best time, I thought
Oh don’t blame me
I know I was wrong
You know I was wrong
Can you give me power
to send me back to that day
Let’s all sit together,
watch her open her warm handkerchief.
We smile and smile
Treasure Box
I found a phone number in her treasure box,
She must want me to call her, but she never picked up, just like always.
But I am not mad at her, you know.
She is like a free bird, flying all the time never staying.
What she left is just a feeling, you feel, but don’t touch.
Like partly hidden, partly visible,
disappeared, reappearing again like a wipe of sunshine.
I am not mad at her, you know, even though I called and called a million times.
Finally, I decided to leave a message.
Voice Message
Hi,
This is Jiangliu, I am not available now, please leave a message, I will call you as soon as I can, thank you for calling
Hi,
.
.
.
.
This is your sis ...
Just want to let you know, I am good now ...
A lot still to do but I’m already settled ...
Say hi to bro and tell Mom and Dad I love them all!
Bye
Hug
We never shared any clothes, you know
Like all sisters should
Like I am hugged by your shirt
Like I am clothed in your smell
Like I put my hand in yours
Like I carry your breath with me
Ebb Away
折
broke, turning, folding
走
walking, leaving
逝
Death
go, leave, pass, elapse, ebb away
The Lost Heart
Can You Think of Me
Can you think of me?
Can you think of me?
Can you think of me?
I exist when you think of me
I drop down with the rains
I flow with your breath
I fly, blink with my arms
around you, everywhere, nowhere
A Letter
Take care
--- You too
