" You won't wake up, until you feel you've paid a price for it."
I woke up from my dream, settling the image, in the stillness of dark.
After one look back, the wolf turned over into the forest, into the depthless silence.
During this time in my life I was wrought with a fear, just paralyzed.
During this time in my life I was wrought with a fear, just paralyzed.
To embrace my life's work, or abandon my purpose just to make ends meet on the day to day?
I couldn't even do that much, and I had fell into a world of dispassionate ruin.
The soft haze of the dream though, scintillated my very being. But very true to the nature, it was ephemeral.
The soft haze of the dream though, scintillated my very being. But very true to the nature, it was ephemeral.
I could feel it slip through my fingers, soon I wouldn't be able to tell it.
Not that I would forget the image, but rather, I was circling the drain.
I had never been proud of my work, until I finished this painting. I never painted with such stamina and purpose.
But something was missing.. I can only describe it to be finding a door without a key. Not a key without a door - that would be different. I had finally created a spitting image of my mind's eye - but it lacked elucidation, that was the true mastery.
I finished this piece over a year ago. And I couldn't publish it, it wasn't finished. I didn't fully understand the story it was so obviously telling. And for the most risible reason, this painting had to reveal itself to me.
And I became my own saboteur, trying to force this, without realizing it.
The work I was most proud of, turned into a hindrance.. and my life followed suit shortly after.
The work I was most proud of, turned into a hindrance.. and my life followed suit shortly after.
My life's purpose as an artist, oscillated on my ability to fathom my own work.
I gave this such a vigor, but I had nothing left to live for, no whisper of my existence if I disappeared.
And it almost came about in the gap of time this past year.
Only, recently, I heard the most humanizing words.
" You won't wake up, until you feel you've paid a price for it..
So you go through the mill.
Why?
Why?
Because you say to yourself,
I won't wake up until I feel I deserve it - I won't wake up until I've made it difficult, for me to wake up.
So I invent for myself, an elaborate system, of delaying my 'waking up'.
And I put myself through this test and that test and when I feel it's been sufficiently arduous,
I won't wake up until I feel I deserve it - I won't wake up until I've made it difficult, for me to wake up.
So I invent for myself, an elaborate system, of delaying my 'waking up'.
And I put myself through this test and that test and when I feel it's been sufficiently arduous,
then I may at last, admit to myself who I really am.
And draw aside the veil.
And draw aside the veil.
And realize, after all, when all is said and done..
I am, that I am. "
A l a n W a t t s
A n d I u n d e r s t o o d . . I w a s t o o a f r a i d t o b e w h o I w a s.
A n d I u n d e r s t o o d . . I w a s t o o a f r a i d t o b e w h o I w a s.
